Thursday, October 16, 2008

I Call it Maize

Over Columbus Day weekend, the kids, Husbandrinka and I went to a corn maze in the Catskills. I was fairly certain that I would never come out of it alive, and yet, here I am. I did my favorite corn maze joke where I walked past a corn stalk and wrapped part of it around my neck to make it look like it was attacking me and pulling me into its depths. The kids asked, “What are you doing?” and Husbandrinka didn’t say anything, as though I were a crazy person who does shit like that all the time. Whereas I do it only when I’m in the corn maze. I certainly never do that in the produce section of Whole Foods. At least not if it’s really crowded.

And speaking of crazy people, I started to think about what if someone in the corn maze was insane and was about to kill us all, especially me. Incidentally, this is not a great thing to think about when you’re in a corn maze because I guarantee you, the second that you think of it, you will see that one of your co-mazers does indeed look homicidal. (By the way, since I’m lecturing on things that you should not think about, let me add “the possibility of a power outage while getting an MRI”. That’s another post, but please trust me on this.) So I tried to make eye contact with Husbandrinka to relay to him that we were in grave danger, but it was difficult, mostly because he doesn’t have eyes on his back as he was walking ahead of me. I do think I turned around to look at the insane murderer one too many times because he started looking at me pretty intensely. The only thing that could have made it better is if he had been carrying a McCain sign.
“Do you know where you’re going?” he asked me finally.
“As a matter of fact, I do,” I said, walking straight into a dead end. I did not want to appear vulnerable in any way.
“Great,” he said, “I’ll follow you, because I’m getting claustrophobic and I’d like to get out of here.”

Just my luck to find a murderer with a phobia. And besides, claustrophobia is my signature phobia, and I didn’t even realize that I could be enjoying it in corn hell, because I was too worried about being, you know, killed. But fortunately, the claustrophobia got the better of him and he never got around to killing me. Although after following me around to every dead end of the maze, he did appear anxious to never see me again. “Why did you say that you knew where you were going?” he asked, mid-hyperventilation. There was no good way to answer that question. “Well Columbus didn’t know where he was going, either, and looked what happened,” I explained. He did not seem reassured.

After we all made it out of the maze, I asked my kids if they had been scared. “Why would I be scared?” my daughter asked. “What’s so scary about corn?” my son asked. Oh, excuse me, your Mental Health majesties.


Blogger Vodka Mom said...

you crack me up. grave danger. ha. (I love those damn corn mazes. ) And, I love your new look!

October 16, 2008 at 6:02 AM  
Blogger wfbdoglover said...

(tense Jaws music playing)

and after tricking the murderer into the dead end, a huge Black Rat Snake ( attacks the phobiarinka murder and Wonder Marinka Woman saves her family as they run out of the maze.

October 16, 2008 at 7:12 AM  
Blogger Z said...

At least your maze wasn't only open in the dark and with people hired to dress up like zombies and skeletons to jump out and frighten you... Or grab your ankle and trip you, knocking you face first into the hay bales which scratched your face up real good. Not that that has ever happened to me. Ahem.

October 16, 2008 at 10:30 AM  
Blogger Real Live Lesbian said...

Ok, I'm NEVER going to a corn maze now! Great story! You crack me up!

October 16, 2008 at 11:08 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Lol. Now your kids have something to make fun of. They've found a chink in your armor and there's no going back now.

October 16, 2008 at 1:22 PM  
Blogger Anna Lefler said...

OK, my uncle (in North Carolina) lived on the edge of a HUGE fenceless corn field.

I can say from personal experience that your fear is well-founded.

I personally think husbands and children are pretty scary, too, but that's a different story.

October 16, 2008 at 2:21 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

*shudder, shudder*

October 16, 2008 at 2:43 PM  
Blogger Maddness of Me said...

There is a reason that several horror movies have been centered around corn fields.

There is nothing scarier than a corn field.

October 16, 2008 at 4:05 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

I'm with Kimberly, and you. Corn is scary. Children of the Corn? Various scarecrow horror things? Harry Potter was almost killed in a some kind of plant maze. Scary.

October 16, 2008 at 6:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Eeeeek! I HATE corn mazes. They scare the shit out of me. might have something to do with the fact that I'm only 4'10" and the corn is all taller than me, so it feels dark and really closed in when I'm in there. Ick. Hate corn mazes.

October 16, 2008 at 6:57 PM  
Blogger Maura said...

I love corn mazes! I'm not crazy about the jumping-out ghouls and such, but I love the challenge of finding my way out of a lit maze in the cool fall air. *sigh*

Maybe I can live tweet it next time I go. Or not.

October 16, 2008 at 8:41 PM  
Blogger Insane Mama said...

I love the corn maze. I love any corn maze

October 16, 2008 at 9:37 PM  

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