Monday, September 1, 2008

A Wonderful Man

Yesterday morning,I overheard the following conversation between my mother and my 10 year old daughter.

My daughter: Do you remember the first time that you ever met my daddy?

My mother: Of course I do! Your mother came to me and said, 'I met a wonderful man, mama! Would you like to meet a wonderful man, too?'

There are two things that strike me about this conversation.

First, my mother's not a native English speaker, so sometimes articles trip her up. Actually, articles are sometimes challenging for the me, as well, but since I had formal education, it is less the challenging for me than for my a mother.

Anyway, because of the articles, the retold conversation between her and me sounds a bit like Fiddler on the Roof meets a commercial. You may think that that's just a Jdate commercial, but since I've never seen one of those, I'm going with my original scenario.

And second is that if I recall correctly, the actual conversation that led to her meeting my future husbanbd went something like this.

Marinka (late 20s, clock ticking): I'm going out tonight.

Mama (clutching "Is Your Daughter a Lesbian? 10 easy ways to know For Sure" quiz): Going out again? Have a great time. All my friends' daughters are getting married and having babies, but have fun. More the vodka for you?

Marinka: GOD! You're driving me crazy! There's more to life than marriage! I am an independent woman! Like Gloria Steinem! I need a man like a fish needs a bicycle!

Mama: What with a bicycle? You don't even know how to ride a bicycle. If you did, you could exercise. And what is this fish nonsense? Everything is about food with you. Eat less, exercise more, you'll meet someone nice.

Marinka: I don't need a man! I can take care of myself! By the way, can you lend me $20?

Mama: $20? For a cocaine?

Marinka: Yeah, like you can get cocaine for $20.

Mama: Oh, so now you know the price of cocaine. Heroin, too, I suppose. This is God punishing me for my sins. There is no other reason that someone like you would be unmarried. And not even seeing anyone. Just hanging out with your whore drug-addicted friends. Don't think that I don't know what the they do.

Marinka: You know nothing about life! Julie is not a whore, she is a dancer.

Mama: A naked dancer. And people give her money.

Marinka: It's less debasing than working at McDonalds for like minimum wage.

Mama: The food again. It's like an addiction with you.

Marinka: I'm just saying-

Mama: You need a man. You'll go crazy otherwise with all these fish and lesbians.

Marinka: I am not a lesbian!

Mama: Just go, I'll be fine.

Marinka: OH MY GOD! I am seeing someone, ok? We have been dating for a while.

Mama: Stop this nonsense. Who is he, the Kentucky Fried Chicken Colonel?

Marinka: No, he's like a real man. With a job.

Mama: Stop your the hallucinations.


Mama: Ok, if you want to bring him by.

Maybe she's saving the real story for when my daughter is 11?

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Blogger WA said...

This is hilarious. You must keep the mama conversations coming.

September 1, 2008 at 9:46 AM  
Blogger wfbdoglover said...

LOL - I think my parents wrote that book!

Then, I got engaged six weeks after dating my husband... Can you imagine the sequel?

and now... everything is "Marty, Marty, Marty". I tell my mom frequently I feel like Jan Brady.

September 1, 2008 at 11:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had way too much coffee this morning to laugh that hard.

My cousin's wife is from Chelyabinsk, and the whole thing with articles cracked me up.

September 1, 2008 at 12:29 PM  
Anonymous nonsoccermom said...

Hee, too funny. If she's anything like my mother, her version is really the way she remembers it!

September 1, 2008 at 2:46 PM  
Blogger Madge said...

when my husband and i told my mom we were engaged she instantly referred to my failed engagement in college by saying, "oh, here we go again."

September 1, 2008 at 7:33 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

oh my God this is SO funny. Even without a martini!!!!

p.s madge - you crack me up.

September 1, 2008 at 9:19 PM  
Blogger Mekhismom said...

You have me cracking up right now. I am supposed to winding down not trolling your blog for more laughs. Now stop being so funny. Right now. Seriously. LOL

September 1, 2008 at 10:04 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

You and mama have tears rolling down my face. Seriously. You have to stop. I can't breath for laughing.

September 1, 2008 at 11:28 PM  
Blogger Kylie w Warszawie said...

Okay, is your mom Russian? I can totally hear this conversation with the accent and everything. This is a lot like conversations I have EVERY DAY!

Thanks for stopping by my blog. Did you know it takes 100 chinchillas to make a coat? Working on it.

September 2, 2008 at 12:46 PM  
Blogger Marel Lecone said...

This was great!! Thanks for stopping by . . . I need this kind of funny!!

September 2, 2008 at 8:07 PM  
Blogger ms. changes pants while driving said...

"Stop your the hallucinations."

can i put this on a motivational poster in my office?

September 2, 2008 at 10:49 PM  
Anonymous ingrid said...

wonderful wonderful wonderful

September 3, 2008 at 9:07 AM  
Blogger Christy said...

I loved this - even a year later! I hope you continue to list your greatest hits!

September 18, 2009 at 6:18 PM  

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