Magazinephobia

We are heading to North Carolina next weekend to visit my in-laws and I am becoming anxious. Not because we are flying on a plane that my husband told me is called a turbo prop (ok, is that just a fancy word for a helicopter? Because I can say my goodbyes now).

I am anxious because my mother-in-law and I are magazine-incompatible. So when I am unable to sleep because North Carolina is so freaking quiet and apparently, I need street traffic to lull me to sleep, I will be forced to flip through the Good Housekeeping and Reader's Digest issues in the living room. Not that there's anything wrong with Good Housekeeping and Reader's Digest, of course, except one of my fears is that I am in a semi-conscious state where I can hear and understand, but not communicate, and my distraught family sits by my bedside day after day, and because the doctors told them that I find familiar voices soothing, they read to me every day from Good Housekeeping and Ladies' Home Journal and on special occasions, Redbook. Maybe I should update my living will. And right next to the place where it states, "if my husband has fallen in love with someone else, I ask that no expense be spared in prolonging my life, regardless of quality, but if he's in deep mourning, put some lipstick on me and pull the plug," pencil in something about "please limit all reading materials to the approved list on Attachment A. And read with feeling, you drones!".

In case I don't get to updating my living will, what with the new season of Desperate Housewives starting soon and all, I thought that it would be a good idea to post my approved magazine list here, for easy reference.

You should probably carry it around with you at all times, in case the unthinkable happens.

US Weekly, but only in nail salons. ( I understand that it may be awkward to get the comatose Marinka to a nail salon, so I apologize in advance for any inconvenience.) US Weekly is important for their "Just like us/Not like us" features, although they don't seem to feature Jen Aniston freebasing pints of Haagen Dasz Chocolate Peanut Butter. I also love the "Who Wears It Best" feature, where the editors stop innocent people on the street, show them photos of different celebrities wearing the same outfit and ask them to decide who the outfit looks better on. Of course another benefit of liking US Weekly is that if you're ever making a list of magazines that you like, there's a chance that someone will confuse US Weekly with the US News & World Report and think that you're super smart and informed.

Oprah Magazine I just realized that even though I subscribe to this magazine, I don't know if it's called O or Oprah and I am so lazy that I can't get up and look or even google. And also that I don't care. I love the articles, blah blah blah, but what I really love is that when I first subscribed, Oprah sent me a letter welcoming me to her family. That's right, we're family now. Although apparently estranged, since I let my subscription lapse.

Real Simple I fell in love with this magazine when I read their guide to phobias. It was in chart form, had the name of the phobia, its manifestations and Real Simple (tm) solutions of how you can combat it. My favorite was pteromechanophobia, which is the fear of flying (not the Erica Jong version), the manifestation was worrying about dying in a fiery crash and the solution was to do "an especially engrossing sodoku puzzle." Thanks, Real Simple! Love, Real Simpleton.


New Yorker The cartoons are great! And the articles are great, too. Although kind of endless. But if you finish an article, you're instantly an expert on the subject that you just read about and are a big hit at cocktail parties. Unless you're at a cocktail party where another guest read the same article and then it becomes one of those awkward "Who Tells It Best" competitions. But since I won't be in a position to attend any parties, it shouldn't be a problem! Win, win!

P.S. Ok, I know what you're thinking--why don't I just buy a magazine at the airport and put us all out of our fucking misery? First of all, I don't appreciate your using such language. And second of all, do you think these blog posts just write themselves? No, I need topics, people! I am about three posts away from posting my belly pics and I am not even pregnant.