Wednesday, June 17, 2009


I woke up today with a heavy heart. Metaphorically speaking, of course, although it wouldn't hurt to have it weighed, I suppose. I've been thinking about my kids. They are in recovery from the school year and waiting for camp to start and we are spending the days doing things together.

On Monday, we went to the High Line in New York City. Then we went bowling. On Tuesday, we went to the Bronx Zoo. Although we are together all the time, I feel like I am running out of time.

The days are going by quickly. And my kids are growing up. On the train back home the other day, my son rested his head on my shoulder, but when I bent down to kiss him, he wiped it off and said "MOM". He'll still sit on my lap sometimes, but I know that I have a finite number of the lap sits left. They were always finite, of course, but now I can actually see the end. I know there's a time when he'll get off my lap and never come back.

It breaks my heart.

I know that I am so lucky. I am luckier than many and in my heart, I am luckier than all. Because despite all my constant whining, my kids are awesome and they make me laugh every single day.

Like yesterday, when I called my daughter to tell her that I'm on my way to pick her up from her friend's house and to please be ready when I get there and she said, "but I'm NOT ready! I'm in costume!" and when she was talking about the "f-word" and I asked her that it was, because in previous years it was "Fudge" and "fart" and she said "fuck". And my son, who when I told him that he can't be part of the summer baseball league because he's a year too young, said "let's just tell them that I'm a midget."

I love seeing the world through their eyes and I miss it already.
I miss them already. Because childhood is fleeting and in 2009 NYC it seems to be more fleeting.

I'm sorry for being so morose. I hope that this isnt' the start of menopause or anything.


Blogger Anna Lefler said...

Oh, Honey, it's like you're reading my diary. Sometimes the bittersweetness of it all sticks right in my throat and it's all I can do to keep from bursting into tears in the produce section.

We must savor, savor, savor.

You are wise. And I'm so glad you wrote this post.

Have an unforgettable day with your very lucky children.



June 17, 2009 at 9:33 AM  
Blogger Marinka said...

Anna--I am reading your diary. And I can't believe what a whore you are.

But, thank you. Truly. Because I don't do sentimental often.

June 17, 2009 at 9:39 AM  
Blogger CSY said...

Being sentimental every now and then is cool. I'm going thru the same thing. I have 3 12, 10 and almost 8 and for the first time my 8 yr old told me "No kissing in public"...meaning I couldn't kiss him in public. I think my heart broke just a tiny bit, so I know how you feel. Great post!

June 17, 2009 at 10:00 AM  
Blogger Everyday Goddess said...

I love this post. It's always good to let your heart talk. Keep the faith mommy!

June 17, 2009 at 11:24 AM  
Blogger Marie S said...

I'm right there with you sons just graduated from high school last week and soon they will be off to college... They will still make me laugh everyday, but it will be via text messages.

June 17, 2009 at 12:16 PM  
Anonymous Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

I like this other side of Marinka. Although it leaves me unsure of how to comment.

I enjoy my kids a lot but my eldest is only seven (and still willing to hold my hand in public), which may be why I don't yet have that feeling of them slipping away. Although sometimes I look at baby photos and get a lump in my throat for who they used to be, I am still at the stage where I look forward to them getting old enough to ... oh I don't know ... tidy up after themselves?

The Daddy and I always say that we will have succeeded as parents if our children actually want to come home every year for Thanksgiving dinner. That's less common than some people think... And I don't believe you will be having any trouble in that regard :-)

June 17, 2009 at 12:41 PM  
Blogger Keyona said...

We all know how you feel and it makes me say....Fudge.

June 17, 2009 at 12:48 PM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

let leopold bloom have his day in dublin on june 16, 1904. you had something better on june 16, 2009 in nyc - w/your kids.

June 17, 2009 at 3:23 PM  
Anonymous Coco said...

Damn. What did poor Anna do? Piss in your corn flakes?

You are insane...and hysterical. Qualities that I like.

June 17, 2009 at 4:00 PM  
Blogger p-huong said...

Ah, the evolution of the "f-word." Mine went from "fudge" to "fuck" to "focus" (I'm a nerd and my history teacher called it history's f-word)

Time goes and we kids get less cute and more hormonal over time.

June 17, 2009 at 7:40 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

Great. Now I'm fucking crying. Marinka! Beautiful post.

June 17, 2009 at 10:14 PM  
Blogger Suzy said...

Feeling down? I just got off the phone with Ann of Ann's Rants and am calling you from the bottom of my pool.

June 17, 2009 at 10:41 PM  
Blogger Ann Imig said...

Guess Suzy's a sinker...

Anyway Marinka, my grip keeps slipping from trying so hard to hold onto each moment.

June 17, 2009 at 10:57 PM  
Blogger Fragrant Liar said...

Oh, isn't it sweet when they say fuck? I know. Brings a tear to my eye too. But life goes on and then one day your kids will have kids and those little darlings will say fuck too. It's just how we learn to communicate. For instance, my four-year-old nanababy said to her mama (my daughter) while in their car, "Mama, it's fuckin' cold in here." My daughter turned down the a/c. See? Communication. Don't you feel better now?

June 17, 2009 at 11:50 PM  
Blogger TMCPhoto said...

I feel the same way with my two year old. Knowing that all those little cuddles, kisses and sweet little sentences are coming from a rather tiny jar makes them that much more luxurious. Of course I also can't wait to hear the f-bomb drop from my sweethearts little mouth, the amount she's pushing my buttons these days I'm sure it will only be a matter of days...

June 18, 2009 at 1:03 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

You'll move on from the lap sitting stage. Trust me. There is so much more to discover. My 22-year-old is wonderful. I love hearing his perspective on things. He makes me laugh everyday. I'm at varying stages of The Teenage Years, and, in truth, I love it. Watching them struggle into adulthood is hilarious and touching. Get some HRT and enjoy the ride!

June 18, 2009 at 2:52 AM  
Blogger ♥ Braja said...

Nope. Definitely menopausal.

June 18, 2009 at 3:18 AM  
Blogger jennilea said...

Marinka. Thank you.

My oldest was 2 one day when I bawled (!) one afternoon in the *middle* of making a PB & J because I realized that there are only so many sandwiches he will ask me to make ...

I fall a little more in love with my children each day (boys: 8 & 4). And time is just ... sigh. I don't know why they say retirement is/are the Golden Years because it feels that, with all the purpose, meaning and love here-now in my life with them around, surely THESE will be the best years of my life.

June 18, 2009 at 10:07 AM  
Blogger Scary Mommy said...

I like you all mushy, M.

I feel the same way. Lately I've just wanted to freeze them and live in our own little bubble. (And then I want to strangle them and that's the end of that.) But, really, I hear you. Totally.

June 18, 2009 at 10:50 AM  
Anonymous Jane said...

Unfortunately I am unable to reproduce but I do have a nephew. A nephew that will be 16 in August. I miss him in my lap, him holding my hand, him wanting to spend the night at my house because we would stay up late and eat ice cream in bed.

The other day I saw him and his friends in Chipotle and he ignored me.... it couldn't have been me in cut offs and hot pink, leopard print rubber boots....
Hello it was raining and I don't get to wear them that often.

And PS I ran up to him and kissed him all over his face.... Last time you ignore your Aunt Jane!!! HA

June 18, 2009 at 10:57 AM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

Clearly they inherited your sense of humor.

June 18, 2009 at 8:49 PM  
Blogger Loukia said...

I totally understand what you mean! It's totally depressing sometimes, how fast they grow. Seriously, my boys are only almost 4 years old and 17 months old and I already have real anxiety over them growing up and getting married. I wish I could pick who they marry and convince them to move next door to me. My oldest son starts kindergarten in the fall, and OMG, I'm just a mess!

June 18, 2009 at 10:47 PM  
Blogger Fancy Schmancy said...

I remember thinking there would never be a time when my son didn't want to cuddle on the couch with me. As a matter of fact, I thought he was too clingy. He's going to be 15 in a couple of weeks and boy do I miss all of that. The occasional hug is all. If I can't get him to agree to bend over so I can give him a kiss, I'm out of luck (I'm 5'2", he's over 5'9" and still growing!). Enjoy every second of it while you can.

June 19, 2009 at 3:11 PM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

You'll be happy to know it's not the sign of menopause. Nope!

It's the sign of explosive diarrhea ... or so I've heard.

June 19, 2009 at 4:59 PM  

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