Friday, June 19, 2009

Aren't You Sorry That We Got the Cat?

It looks like Husbandrinka thinks that we are on a sitcom where the tag line is "aren't you sorry that we got the cat?" I'm certain that it will be renewed for many seasons and you should probably pre-order your DVD now.

Like the other day, Nicki shat on our bed. Now, I admit that it is not good, especially if you're not into that kind of thing, but he seemed to think that it was a sign of the apocalypse. No matter how many times I explained to him that a cat pissing on the bed is so much worse or lied to him that "Confucius says, defecating on bed cat, prosperous home," he was inconsolable. "Aren't you sorry that we got the cat?" he asked. Well, I was sorrier that I hadn't cleaned the litter box the night before, but that's semantics.

Yesterday afternoon, our trial cleaning lady was going to come by. To recap, we had to let our cleaning lady go because I became super cheap and decided that we could clean the apartment ourselves. That hasn't worked out so well. After many "discussions" along the lines of "why do you need to use more than one glass a week?" and "would it kill you to scrub the toilet after every use?" Husbandrinka decided to get a new cleaning lady. We asked friends for recommendations. The first cleaning lady we called told us that she would be summering in the Hamptons, returning to NYC in October, which makes me think that either she has amazing talents that Husbandrinka will totally miss out on or that house cleaning is a lot more lucrative than I thought and that I should enroll both of my kids in remedial house cleaning school immediately if not sooner.

So the second potential cleaning lady cleans for a friend of ours and Husbandrinka copied me on their email exchanges. Getting copied on your husband's emails to friends about a cleaning lady is as good as an Ambien prescription.

"We want someone who is reliable and speaks English," he wrote. "Reliable" stands for "will not steal". Unless people are really concerned that the cleaning lady says that she will come on Tuesday but instead will come on Thursday. We want someone who speaks English because for many years we had someone who did not speak ninguna palabra in English to the extent that when I said "hi!" she'd cock her head to the side like the RCA dog.
"She is extremely reliable," the friend wrote back. "When she finds money in my pockets, she leaves it for me on the table. And her English is perfect."

I know that this is supposed to be reassuring, but it rang a whole bunch of alarms for me. Like, if I were a thief, I'd totally leave a few quarters that I found in the pant pocket and while everyone was singing my honesty praises, I'd be moving the Faberge eggs out of there. But maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm not reliable, and I'm terrible at the housecleaning bit, does that mean that I wouldn't make a great cleaning lady? Anyway.

So this Shakespeare of honesty stops by to case the joint, sees Nicki and says "oh. You have a cat?" Like why do people say that? They see a cat on a chair and say "is that a cat?" No it's a cat hologram. But I'm glad to hear that you thought that it was a real cat! "I'm allergic to cats." Apparently she gets asthma from cats or something. Honestly, I think it's just a run of the mill scapegoating, of you ask me. Or scapecatting.

I email Husbandrinka to break the news to him and he responds with, "aren't you sorry we got the cat?" Seriously? Countless hours of joy for the kids, turds on our bed, how can you put a price on that? It's almost as though he's not a cat person.


Blogger Mountain Momma said...

At least you have a cat. Mine's been missing for 2 weeks. I think she was coyote food. She made it 7 years in the mountains, so I guess that's something to rejoice about.

June 19, 2009 at 1:38 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Hmm, sounds like he is the sorry one. Oh well. At least the kids get some enjoyment from kitty- nevermind the joyful "gifts" she leave for you.

June 19, 2009 at 5:01 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

That's what I was thinking too! Anyone can turn in a few dimes and nickels, or even some ones, but how do we know she won't drain all the piggy banks and eat all the snacks?

June 19, 2009 at 5:46 AM  
Blogger Pop and Ice said...

Usually such cat behavior as this will stop after a time, but to help stop it, you should close the bedroom doors, during the day, after making sure Niki is not in the room.

Good luck on the housecleaning search. I bet it's brutal in NY!

June 19, 2009 at 7:03 AM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

cleaning lady? CLEANING LADY???

dammit. I am so jealous of you MAYBE getting a cleaning lady.

June 19, 2009 at 7:51 AM  
Anonymous Maureen at IslandRoar said...

Cats are such a joy; mine have a "peeing problem." Lovely. That would chase away any cleaning lady.
But seriously, good problem to have.

June 19, 2009 at 8:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you have it all wrong and Confucius said something cat shat on the bed means Jon and Kate break up.

June 19, 2009 at 8:58 AM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

my guess is that, if you really wanted to, you COULD count the hours of joy for the kids, and they wouldn't be that many.

June 19, 2009 at 11:17 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

You are still not in my Reader and I'm in no ones Reader I'm beyond distressed at the whole thing and I have no comments to speak of and this whole week sucks balls.

Anyway, our cleaning lady (gone! also sucks balls!) was "reliable" and we (I) loved her. She had a key - we could let her come in and clean and not even be there. I did check my silver and my jewelry safe for the first few months and nothing ever went missing.

(I don't have a jewelry safe.)

(I do have a broken blog feed.)

June 19, 2009 at 12:55 PM  
Blogger OHmommy said...

You arent in my reader. Waaa...

I just came back from the vet. The stooopid cat who was burned by my minivan muffler cost me $142.86. Do you know what kind of dress I could have purchased at TJMaxx for that, yo?

June 19, 2009 at 3:31 PM  
Blogger Maggie May said...

I needed the smile, thanks

June 19, 2009 at 3:57 PM  
Blogger Priss said...

My cat, when she was still a wee kitty baby, peed on my foot while I was in bed. I assume it was her size at the time (the bed is a good three feet off of the ground at the top). My husband laughed, picked her up, kissed her on the head and told her she was too damn cute.

Not that it wasn't funny, but it's less so when it's your own foot.

Asking if you're sorry you got the cat is like people asking if you're sorry you had kids after they've thrown up on the rug, and are looking tiny and fragile. You're only sorry you couldn't fix it.

Cats don't poop on furniture for no reason. Dirty box, something stirring up their routine, or health problems. If you rule out the first two, it's time to go to the vet.

My boy kitty was peeing in the boy's room recently. I took him to the vet (because cats don't urinate in front of people, they like their privacy), and it turned out he was really trying to take a shit because he had a pound of crap backed up in his tiny kitty colon. It was nearly the size of a breakfast banger.

June 19, 2009 at 4:04 PM  
Blogger 262mom said...

when cats go bad it's just beyond bad. I think Obama skirted that whole issue of federal funding for the eradication of cat pee by getting that dog though.

June 19, 2009 at 4:09 PM  
Blogger Susan said...

"No, it's a cat hologram" I'm dying here!!! And what normal human doesn't enjoy a little bed turd?

June 19, 2009 at 4:25 PM  
Blogger Anna Whiston-Donaldson said...

My dog broke out of her crate, cut her head, broke into the guest room and peed on the bed.

Cleaning lady? Mine breaks stuff, but it's so worth it!

June 19, 2009 at 4:26 PM  
Anonymous Andrea's Sweet Life said...

So you mean if I clean the litter box, my cats will stop shitting on my bed?

June 19, 2009 at 4:43 PM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

"...for many years we had someone who did not speak ninguna palabra in English to the extent that when I said "hi!" she'd cock her head to the side like the RCA dog.--

"No it's a cat hologram."--

Laughing my ass off!! You're hysterical, Marinka.

June 19, 2009 at 4:51 PM  
Anonymous Maravonda said...

The last time I had a cleaning lady, she let her two year old pour red nail polish all over the arm of my lovely new beige chintz sofa. Her response? "Well, you shouldn't have left it sitting there!"...?????? That was about, oh, 29 years ago. My house is getting really dirty...Anyway, I can imagine interviewing someone now...."You have 5 dogs???" "Yes, uh huh, that's what they are, all 5 of them" the Irish version of Husbandrinka gets to do the vacuuming...

June 19, 2009 at 5:29 PM  
Blogger Roshni said...

"Confucius says, defecating on bed cat, prosperous home,"....I must get that cross-stitched and framed for my house!!! bwahahahahahaha!!!!

June 19, 2009 at 5:31 PM  
Blogger Christy said...

I hope the cat doesn't secretly disappear one day when you're out.

I'm not sure why - but this post and two of your others from earlier this week just now showed up in my reader. Yours and Ann's rants both. Strange.

June 19, 2009 at 6:32 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

People always say "Oh wouldn't you like to have a cat for your kids?" Explaining to them that I'm allergic doesn't work because obviously, I'm a vicious lying person and I just FAKE the sneezing, clogged head, itching, watering eyes, shortness of breathe and headache. It's all because I suck and I really hate cats.

So I started telling people, "Our appartment has a no pet policy." Which is totally true. Now we are buying a house. Gonna have to go with "Fish are pets."

June 19, 2009 at 9:34 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

you should hire my guy!

June 20, 2009 at 12:36 AM  
Blogger ♥ Braja said...

Add to that whole mix that mine is a Bengali villager, and cats are the least of your problems....

June 20, 2009 at 2:06 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

Well, what the hell does Confucius say about running a cat halfway house? Am I about to give Bill Gates a run for his money? Or I could move to NYC and become a maid since they go to the fucking Hamptons for the summer.

June 20, 2009 at 5:47 PM  
Blogger Pseudo said...

I think the Hamptons cleaning lady might just be following the work. Maybe she got a live in postion, which still beats me cause I willnever get there.

June 21, 2009 at 3:27 AM  
Blogger Jeanne Estridge said...

Good luck finding a cleaning lady. I know one who's super, but I don't think the commute is do-able.

June 21, 2009 at 1:25 PM  
Blogger Lyndsay said...

We have similar go-rounds in our house, although the tend to be more on the side of "aren't you sorry you married me ....."

June 21, 2009 at 5:52 PM  

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