Monday, June 30, 2008


So Phase One of my Road to Driving, which consisted of printing out an application for a replacement social security card, went so smoothly that I decided to leap ahead and actually submit the application. I say "smoothly" because I have a naturally sunny disposition and never complain or whine and hardly mention the fact that I couldn't print the fucking application because our sodomite of a printer is there apparently for ornamental purposes only, since it doesn't actually print anything. And don't get excited, it doesn't actually sodomize anyone either, it's just a euphemism for "cocksucking". Because who has a blog about motherhood and the joys of parenting and then uses "cocksucking" in the post?

Anyway, I had to print the application at work which delayed me by a few days, but it definitely went smoothly from there. The first thing that I usually read on official forms is the "Paperwork Reduction Act of 1995". which estimates how long it will take to read the instructions, gather the answer the questions for a replacement. Good news--8.5 to 9.5 minutes. I could squeeze that in.

There were some hurdles, of course. For example, one of the modes of identification that I had to bring to the Social Security office was a driver's license which poses an obvious problem to someone who needs a social security card to apply for a learner's permit.

But I overcame it all. I even stood on the security line at the Federal Plaza in Manhattan to get to the Social Security office. Something happens to me when I have to stand on a line. Maybe it's because as a kid I stood on bread lines in the pre-Atkins Soviet Union, but I just refuse to get in line. There is a pizza place in NYC that has a line and I've never been. I know the line is supposed to signal its greatness, but it's not worth it to me. And when I am forced, by circumstances beyond my control, to stand on a line, I start to panic. Like I'm afraid that I will have to stand on line for the rest of my life, and I will do anything, including renounce my citizenship, to get it over with.

And then, for some insane reason, when it was my turn to go through the metal detector, I decided to use charm on the security guard, forgetting completely that "charm" is not part of my repertoire, and that I did not have any contraband on me, so there was absolutely no need for it. Fortunately, that did not land me in Gitmo. Although maybe they're waiting until I actually get my social security card?

The application process itself was a cakewalk and I will be getting the card in one to two weeks. I will be by the mailbox if you need me.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

It seems entirely natural to me that one could be blogging along about motherhood and life and feel compelled to use the adjective "cocksucking." This is possibly a sign that I am not as excellent a mother as I had hoped.

June 30, 2008 at 10:41 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

Or maybe our excellence is just exceeding our expectations?

July 1, 2008 at 7:13 AM  
Blogger A Mom Two Boys said...

Using the term "cocksucking" simply proves that you are my kind of blogger!

Good luck with the rest of the process!

OH! And welcome to AllMediocre!

July 1, 2008 at 7:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i don't know if this thing pings you when you get a comment on an old post or not, but i've been catching up on your musings. the sentence "Maybe it's because I stood in bread lines in the pre-Atkins Soviet Union, but I just refuse to get in line." makes me happy to be alive and able to read.

January 22, 2009 at 6:26 PM  

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