Saturday, October 17, 2009

Top Thoughts About the Balloon Boy

* How long before we have a new song: Where Were You When The World Stopped Spinning And Started Watching What Looked Like A Tin Foil Chef's Hat Floating Through the Air?

* By the way, how big is Colorado? Shouldn't that thing have been in Mexico after three hours of floating?

* Thank you, Falcon's parents for making me feel like a fantastic mom. Because my kids have never hidden in the attic while there was a nationwide hunt for them. Although admittedly, we don't have an attic.

* If you name your kid FALCON, don't be shocked if at some point he's airborne. That's why my kids have practical names like Playing Wii and Couch Potato.

* I live in an apartment building, so are garage attics a common phenomenon? I suspect that the authorities didn't find him because they didn't know that this space existed.

* To win over public support, Falcon should be Anne Frank for Halloween. He already has the whole hiding in the attic thing down.

* Although the mother did say that they checked small drawers for Falcon. Yes, the silverware tray was my first thought too.

* Is anyone investigating the father's bowl haircut?

* I watched this family on Wife Swap so I'm like a total expert on them.

* Husbandrinka doesn't give a shit about this whole story and wasn't aware that I watch stuff like Wife Swap.

* I spent way too long explaining the concept of Wife Swap to my kids last night.

* And helping them download an application.

* When Falcon was still Not Found, I was interviewed by and quoted as saying that if I had one of those balloon things in my backyard, I'd have either it or my children tethered to the ground at all times, possibly both. Just as I was enjoying my new fame and fortune, Falcon was found and the story was no longer relevant and was replaced. In other word, Falcon ruined my life.

* I love all the Falcon neighbor interviews where they say that they're a great family. You can tell that all the neighbors are terrified of the freaky family and don't want to be killed by them when they inevitably snap.

* And to everyone on Twitter who thought it was inappropriate and insensitive to laugh at this situation before the boy was found alive and well: next time, trust me. I'm very intuitive.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Most of the Real Housewives of New York and Me

Guess what I did tonight?

I went to a Kodak-sponsored event that was hosted by RHONY's own Jill Zarin, one of my top five favorite Real Housewives of New York. As soon as I got to the hotel, I was asked to sign a nondisclosure manifesto. So let me reassure you that I will not be disclosing anything, and not just because I was too busy sampling all the signature cocktails.

I signed my life away and then the check in lady told me that Bravo was filming and OMG, can you guess what they were filming? It wasn't Shear Genius, but it certainly would have been my lucky day if they were styling hair. Yes, it was RHONY.

All the fabulous ladies were there. Kelly, The Countess, Jill, of course, and Ramona. Also Bobby! And Allie!

Here are my somewhat catty observations:

* Is LuAnn's ex husband blind or something? Because he may be a Count, but she's a fucking goddess.

* Kelly is beautiful too. And both she and LuAnn are so tall. And thin. Fuck.

* Kelly is also smiley.

and toothy.

* Jill is adorable. There was a woman who was doing her make up that looked so superglamorous it was almost too much for me. The make up woman reminded me of Anna Nicole Smith. Except, you know, alive.

* Ramona has a cute new haircut. She is shorter than the others. Also, she was kind of off to the side.

* Except when Jill was making a presentation, there was a Raising of the Voices and everyone looked over and Ramona and Kelly were having a heated exchange. I can't remember what was said, I think it was along the lines of "Do you read The Mouthy Housewives? That's where I get all my advice!" and then Ramona said, "Yes, I love it!" or maybe something else that ended with Ramona STORMING OUT and Kelly saying "Bye! Hope you enjoyed that" or SOMETHING. Shit, I'd be the worst spy. But it was totally dramatic and JUST LIKE ON TV!

* The only RHONY that I saw eating anything was Jill. So I took a picture.

* I am a very bad photographer with a piece of shit for a camera.

As you can see, there were people there with bigger and better cameras. Also, they seemed to be following the concept of FACING the subject that they were photographing. Show offs.
* It wasn't until I got home that I realized that Bethenny wasn't there. I didn't miss her.

* I stood right next to Bobby a few times. Yes, you all may touch me.

* I did miss Alex and Simon, though.

* I am now having a huge anxiety attack that I was secretly filmed by Bravo. Probably talking to myself. And putting hors d'ovaries into my purse.

It was so much fun! I didn't talk to anyone except like the head of Kodak or something and the barkeep, but I'm pretty sure that the Real Housewives of New York and I are totally best friends now. God, I hope they want to borrow my clothes. Or lend me theirs.


How To Make Your Husband Insane

So Husbandrinka, the kids and I are driving home after a lovely three day weekend at my parents' dacha and because it has been 12 minutes since my last meal, I ask Husbandrinka what he thinks we should have for dinner.

And he says, "Well, we ate a lot all weekend, so why don't we just go to Gray's Papaya and get a couple of hot dogs?"

And I'm all, "If you want to gorge on hot dogs, just say so, don't act like it's some new diet food or something."

And he says, "How long is this menopause going to last?"

And I say, "As long as you keep saying inane things, so I estimate approximately forever."

And we drove in silence for the next three minutes, which I suspect he kind of enjoyed.

And then a Kinks song came on, which he loves. And I remembered my passive aggressive trick which I haven't used in like ages. This is advanced shit, people, so don't try it at home.

When someone is listening to the song that they love, sing along with the lyrics, but translate them into Spanish. For some strange reason, it makes people absolutely insane. And if you're not that great in Spanish, try Spanglish. It's fun and easy.

Like I did.

Here are the lyrics:

Come dancing,
Come on sister, have yourself a ball.
Don't be afraid to come dancing,
It's only natural.

This is what I sang:

Come-o bailando!
Hermana, tengo yourself un pellota!
No teine meiedo para bailando!
Solamente natural!

See? It totally keeps you on your feet by exercising your brain, so I'm pretty sure that it fights Alzheimer's too!

After that the rest of the ride was spent in silence to the Nth power, interrupted only by my thanking Husbandrinka, profusely, for taking the scenic route, because I certainly didn't want to get home early after being away for three days and kids being cooped up in the car forever only enhanced everyone's mood.

Don't forget to enter the Big Apple Circus giveaway!


Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Best Things About Obama Getting the Nobel Peace Prize

1. It didn't go to Roman Polanski.

2. This can't be good for Rush Limbaugh's health.

3. Or Dick Cheney's.

4. Hillary gets to say things like "It's better to be thrown accolades than shoes."

5. The Barack Obama action figure is the first one ever to come with Nobel accessories included.

6. Surely Michelle's is just around the corner.

7. Eyes on the Prize has a new, award-winning meaning.

8. The empty spaces left when Bush moved out his Nobel Peaces are starting to get filled.

9. Hmm. I'll think of something else soon. I'm sure of it.

10.Yes, this space is available too. Hurry! Rates are reasonable!

If you are in NYC, please enter my Big Apple Circus Giveaway here. Fun for the whole family! (The circus, not the giveaway!)

Monday, October 12, 2009

John & The Crockpot Plus Eight ( to Ten Hours on Low)

I owe you one.

The weekend before last, I'd promised a week of posts about the crock pot and then two days into it, I realized that if I wrote one more word about it, I would not be responsible for my actions. So I tyook a crock pot break.

But I am true to my word, sort of, and I will tell you how the crock pot almost ruined John's life.

I'm sorry to have to tell you that John has never been supportive of my cooking endeavors. If I make meatballs, for example, he will say, "have you considered making something for the children not in a shape of a sphere?" If I heat some ravioli, he will comment, "I hope that you did not go to too much trouble" and if I order take out, he'll sneer, "you're lucky Husbandrinka doesn't give you one across the face". In other words, hurtful. Painful. But anyway.

So when I got the crock pot, he was similarly unsupportive.

"The problem with crock pots," he opined, "is that everything that you make in them tastes exactly the same."
"Fuck you, asshole," I said. Which I've always found to be an excellent way to win an argument.

A few, well, eight, hours later I called him.
"My lamb stew is delicious and I can taste each spinach leaf distinctly," I lied. "I've never been happier,"
"You know," he said, "I've been making some calls."
And he told me how he called friend after friend.
"Hey, Marta," He would say, "do you have a slow cooka?" (John explained that he had to pronounce it like that for maximum effect.)
"Of course," Marta told him. "And I make my chicken wings in it. And also apple pie."
"Huh," said John.
Then he called Gene.
"Gene?" he said. "Do you have a slow cooka?"
"I sure do!" said Gene. "How else would I make the best barbecue pork in the world?"
"I see," said John.
Then he called Ross.
"I have a question for you, Ross," John said, "Do you have a slow cooka?"
"I've had a slow cooker as long as I can remember,"Ross said. "It makes the perfect beans."
"You see," John told me, "not only does everyone have a slow cooker, but they all have a signature dish that they make with it."
"I told you!" I said. Although I'd said nothing of the kind.
"It's like a cult. And you know we were just saying that I'm looking to join some kind of an easy cult."
I nodded in sympathy, which John didn't know because we were on the phoen and it wasn't a video phone.
"So I was thinking," John said. "How big is your slow cooka?"
"Four quarts."
"FOUR QUARTS? That's nowhere big enough for your family of six."
"I do not have a family of six," I said.
"Oh, I'm sorry," John said. "I was counting both of your thighs. Anyway. You have growing children and they need more food. A four quart is nowhere near big enough."
"Maybe you're right," I thought-said. "But where would I get a bigger one?"
"At Bed Bath & Beyond," John suggested. "I even have a 20 percent off coupon for you,"
"That's so nice of you," I said.
"And then you will want to donate that four quart misery to your favorite gay," John said.
"Yes, charity begins with me."

It's almost as though he has an ulterior motive.

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Saturday, October 10, 2009

An Excellent Start to the Weekend

This morning I called papa to wish him a happy birthday and he said "I cannot thank you enough. Also you woke me up, but I was having nightmare, so I owe you a separate thank you for that." We chatted and he said, "how are your interpersonal relations?" and I said "fantastic!" because apparently I had a pound of Ecstasy before I called him. And then I asked him if he's like some balloons for his birthday and if you follow me on Twitter, you know the answer to that. (Yes. Attached to testicles).

So then I talked to mama and told her that I may be going through menopause. We chatted for a while, she shared some wisdom and then I said, "please don't tell papa. Or at least if you do tell him, tell him not to tell me that you told him." Because I don't want to have conversations about THAT with papa.

And mama said, "well.." and then she said "Maybe if you don't want papa to know about it, you shouldn't put it on internet so he reads it before you tell me about it."


It's true. I blogged about it. But what kind of a father reads his daughter's blog?!

So I called papa again. And yes, they're in the same house. But they each have their own cell phone.

And I said, "I didn't know that you read my blog."
And he said, "I don't always read it, but I did yesterday."
And I said, "Well, you should know that I take creative license with my posts." (An example of creative sentence is that last sentence. Because I take no creative license.)
And he said, "Yes, the minister in France who wrote about having sex with boys in their poophole also said that he took creative license, but people are calling for his resignation."
So I had to explain to papa why writing that I am going through menopause is different from s0d0mizing children, which is an excellent way to start the weekend.

Finally papa says, "You may or may not be going through menopause. But even if you are not, you will soon. So if you want more children, this is the time to think about it."

And I said, "I do not want any more children."
And he said, "Well, think about it."
And I said, "I have. I definitely don't want any more children."
And then he said, "Well, if you are certain, then the fact of menopause isn't very interesting. It's just a fact of life. Like death."

Remember this post? It may soon become the new reality around here.