Monday, January 19, 2009


Here is a brief yet exhaustive list of circumstances under which you would find me on a cruise ship:

1. I am dead and my torso is being transported to a watery grave.
2. I have been sold into freckled slavery and am being moved to my new destination.  (Hopefully, this destination has a full staff, because I'm super lazy.)
3.  I have had a complete nervous breakdown and I'm doing everything that is the polar opposite of my usual habits.  This would also mean that I am now a fundamentalist, have frosted highlights in my hair and am working hard on the "Amend for Arnold" campaign. 

I do not understand why anyone, not heavily and illegally medicated, would willingly go on a cruise.  Maybe it's because I take the NYC subway daily so the novelty of being trapped with many strangers has worn off.  True, you get the extra perk of seasickness on a cruise not available on the subway, but is that really worth the heavy price?  And I don't mean just money-price.  I'm talking about how every time you hear about a cruise,  it's "missing passenger"-this and "quarantine because of horrific illness"-that.  With some pirate action thrown in for good measure.  Seriously, who needs this shit?  Being trapped on a death vessel with everyone wearing pastels is not relaxing to me.  

But I want to learn, so help me.  Do people going on a cruise ship get tax credits or something? Discounts at Saks?  Human organs? This would certainly explain why people keep disappearing on cruise ships.

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Blogger Irish Gumbo said...


You should read "A Supposedly Fun Thing I will Never Do Again" by David Foster Wallace.

Kindred spirits, I'd say :)

January 19, 2009 at 4:53 PM  
Blogger Grumpy but sweet said...

it's the salad bar and the open buffet.

plus the sense that you are doing something outdoors when you're not. really.

i have no idea either.

i have similar feelings about musical though. (not the salad bar part).

January 19, 2009 at 4:57 PM  
Blogger Issa said...

Overpriced drinks in coconuts served by midget clowns? No idea actually. I'd never go on one. Hell, I get sick on ship rides at Disneyland.

If the pirate was Johnny Depp, I may consider going.

January 19, 2009 at 4:58 PM  
Blogger Temple said...

I'm generally against anything that involves my three mortal fears: (1) drowning, (2) heights, and (3) being trapped for days on end (ore really, even hours) with complete strangers whose idea of "luxury" is the all you can eat buffet on level 3. So yah, a cruise ship sounds like my purgatory...with you on that one.

January 19, 2009 at 4:59 PM  
Blogger Maggie May said...

stastically hardly anyone gets hurt or dies on a cruise ship, it's just made a big deal out of it when it happens. i'd go if someone would pay for it!! :) i had a thing for em after reading Anna Karenina

January 19, 2009 at 5:01 PM  
Blogger A New England Life said...

And I thought I was the only one! There's no way I will EVER go on a cruise. Just what I would need, to be stuck on a ship with a couple thousand people throwing up from the Norwalk virus. Oh yeah, sounds like a blast! Where do I sign up!



January 19, 2009 at 5:10 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

Maggie--see, after reading Anna Karenina, I have a thing for trains.

January 19, 2009 at 5:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've always thought cruises were for people who want to seem like they're seeing the world, but really they're just interested in the cleaned-up Disneyfied version of reality.

January 19, 2009 at 5:13 PM  
Blogger Leigh said...

Jen on the Edge has just hurt my feelings terribly, because I LOVE going on cruises. Here are my reasons: 1. Um, DUH, the tropics. Seriously. 2. The food is really REALLY good. and 3. Do you have any idea how much cheaper booze is when you buy it at the duty free in St. Maartin? Of course, when I go on a cruise I sit by the pool and read while drinking, get a massage after drinking, and eat way too much (with some wine.) So I can understand how you'd hate the idea of one. ;)

January 19, 2009 at 5:17 PM  
Blogger blognut said...

You are the 2nd blogger today to almost make me spit coffee all over my keyboard. Trapped on a Death Vessel with everyone wearing pastels! I'm going to work that into a conversation someday!

January 19, 2009 at 5:20 PM  
Blogger Jeanne Estridge said...

On the other hand, with a little planning, it might be the perfect way for Vodka Mom to dispose of Tightwad's corpse....

January 19, 2009 at 5:20 PM  
Blogger ♥ Braja said...

Because they're brain dead losers devoid of any culinary finesse who have no f&$#ing idea what fun is and will believe anything told to them.

Or something.

January 19, 2009 at 5:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i have heard, third-hand, mind you, that if you are a gay and a performer on one of the aforementioned voyages, there is plenty of mansex to be had. perhaps we should send john on one to verify.

January 19, 2009 at 5:29 PM  
Blogger Amber said...

You wouldn't catch me on a cruise ship for the exact reasons you've listed. Then when they run special deals for trips to Grenada, like who'd want to go to a place called grenada?

January 19, 2009 at 5:35 PM  
Blogger binks said...

I think the one and only cruise I was on had a superior view of the commode.

Spending 12-14 hours per day worshipping the porcelin god, surely, makes a person want more.

January 19, 2009 at 5:42 PM  
Blogger Yolanda said...

i don't get it, either. yes, i would to share a stomach virus with a million strangers, please. yes, i would like to puke my guts out and wish for death for 14 days with a million strangers.

January 19, 2009 at 5:44 PM  
Blogger Lynn C Mama to 3 said...

I totally agree... and after seeing the Posiden Adventure... who would take that chance? Especially if hot pants do not flatter your thigh/ass region. Its just not worth it.

January 19, 2009 at 5:50 PM  
Blogger 2 Brits, 2 Yanks, 2 Dogs said...

I haven't been on a cruise so I couldn't tell you why. It is appealing as getting my boobs stuck in a vice - wait, that's a mammogram.

January 19, 2009 at 6:11 PM  
Blogger Scary Mommy said...

I am so with you. Being stuck on a boat in a tiny room in the middle of nowhere? Hello claustrofobia! No thank you.

January 19, 2009 at 6:16 PM  
Blogger LTYM said...

Why go on a cruise? To wear your complete collection of Chico's cruisewear. Duh.

January 19, 2009 at 6:23 PM  
Blogger Rosie Posie said...

In defense of cruises, I went to Mexico on a cruise for my honeymoon and we had a great time. No deaths or pirates. It was Mexico and it was awesome except for when my filling came out and I got to experience the 'Mexican dentist adventure!'

We love traveling (moved to Korea two years ago and we leave for Cambodia today) and usually we do the authentic experience with only our backpacks and a few outfits but for our honeymoon we decided to let someone else cook (A LOT) for us and do wine tastings, get some nookie and eat pizza.

I still fondly remember our lazy afternoons of sitting at the (really yummy) Italian pizza shop and playing Gin Rummy while eating pizza. We could stay at our table as long as we wanted so we'd just play cards until we were hungry again and then order another pizza... good times.

January 19, 2009 at 6:40 PM  
Blogger Green said...

Since I'm just back from my 8th...I didn't fall overboard (Actually, I was worried, though)
I have never felt like a sardine on the ships and I've been on both small and large ships.
The ship I just got off on Sunday had over 3000 passengers-it's the largest cruise ship to date.
I'd be glad to teach you all I know. It's a great bang for the buck :)

January 19, 2009 at 7:05 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

It's the risk of disease and death that make them so exciting. Who doesn't get their rocks off from the adrenaline rush of possible getting Legionnaires' Disease and dying from it.

True story.

January 19, 2009 at 7:46 PM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

Oh my gosh. Amen sister. I can't imagine a more miserable "vacation." No thanks.

January 19, 2009 at 7:59 PM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

"Being trapped on a death vessel with everyone wearing pastels is not relaxing to me."

Shit, since you put it that way, I'll never go on a cruise.

January 19, 2009 at 8:14 PM  
Blogger Aracely said...

lol at all of the Cruise Google ads.

January 19, 2009 at 8:15 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

Been on two, once in HS with my parents, once on my honeymoon (he planned it and had it all booked, so cute). Yeah, not my thing, but OH MY GOD, my honeymoon was completely made the very first day when we walked down the steps to the pool and Matt got a gander at the much older, um scantily dressed clientele.

Matt: Wait, are we on the set of Cocoon?

Made my honeymoon. Also, free booze.

January 19, 2009 at 8:26 PM  
Blogger Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I'd be going for the endless food and drink. Is there anything else?

January 19, 2009 at 8:43 PM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

If the Princess cruise line offered me an all-inclusive trip to anywhere forever, and free babysitting too, I still probably couldn't stand the purgatory of being surrounded by psuedo-explorers long enough to board the boat.

That said (and I may alienate you forever by saying this, but I'm going to put it out there anyway because I'm risky like that -- and maybe you give points for honesty): one of my dream vacations is a small-ship cruise in Alaska. One of those 100-passenger ships equipped with kayaks and hiking gear for lots of off-boat exploration. A ship with a small enough draw that it can pull into shallow sounds and watch whales and icebergs spawning and let me off to go stomp around on land (and hopefully not get eaten by a bear). That sounds like heaven to me -- but mostly because I would spend most of my time NOT on the boat, being all adventurey, and then when I got back ON the boat, there would be steak and wine and chocolate and hot showers waiting -- instead of tents and campstoves, which is the other way to see the Alaskan wilderness.

Okay, so do you hate hiking, kayaking, whales, or outdoorsy people?

January 19, 2009 at 8:47 PM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

I should add that I don't mean to offend any cruise lovers here: I just see cruise and think "Love Boat," and you couldn't get any more pseudo-adventurous than that...

January 19, 2009 at 8:48 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

Never been on a cruise because I fear that I won't have the self-control one needs at the bar. That and I prefer to puke in my own toilet.

January 19, 2009 at 8:49 PM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

I enjoyed the one cruise I went on on my honeymoon, despite the fact that it was hurricane season and the boat rocked back and forth like crazy (which everyone said it wouldn't do) and everyone got seasick. The reason I enjoyed it I think it because getting drunk and watching the corny stage shows actually helped.

Oh yeah, and I don't get out much. Well, actually, not at all. So there's that.

January 19, 2009 at 9:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I always thought I would hate cruises too, but one of the best times I ever had was on a barge cruise through the south of France. Fine wine, excellent food, gorgeous countryside... what's not to like? Also, you get to visit lots of different places without leaving your "hotel."

January 19, 2009 at 9:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't get it either. So many friends and family members have tried to convince me that cruising is "fun," but I call LIARS.

January 19, 2009 at 9:30 PM  
Blogger Frogs in my formula said...

We went to an all-inclusive in Mexico and I swore after that that I would never go somewhere without "going" somewhere again. Why spend the money? Though fuck, I can't lie. Anywhere with sunshine sounds nice right now. Even if it's a boat in the middle of nowhere. Just give me the godamn sun.

January 19, 2009 at 9:47 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I'm just wondering what you've gotten yourself into that they've only got your torso.

I didn't know there was a freckled slavery ring. You teach me such good things. I'll have to keep an eye out in case you come up on the auction sheet.

January 19, 2009 at 10:26 PM  
Blogger Magpie said...

I've always want to go to Europe on a Polish freighter.

January 19, 2009 at 10:37 PM  
Blogger xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx said...

Just your torso, huh?

January 19, 2009 at 10:43 PM  
Blogger shrink on the couch said...

I used to hold the same view, but I have heard too many people say what a wonderful, relaxing time they've had. Something about amazing food at any hour, no decisions to make, no schedules to follow, beautiful port o calls, and a lot of people in partying mood.

January 19, 2009 at 11:43 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

First of all, I am LMAO at the death vessel comment. HILARIOUS!

But to defend cruising--it is a reasonably inexpensive way to get to a tropical destination, there is a ton of food, things to do or not do onboard, and my friend swears by that little patch you wear behind your ear to ward off sea-sickness.

January 20, 2009 at 12:24 AM  
Blogger Lawton said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

January 20, 2009 at 2:41 AM  
Blogger Lawton said...

Duty Free. Isn't a 15% discount on Lancome and Marlboros worth chancing "the minnow could be lost"?

January 20, 2009 at 2:42 AM  
Blogger carrie said...

I felt the SAME WAY before I went on one, and then 19 of our friends were all, "Come on, a cruise would be so much fun!"

And so I went. Dragging my heels.

And once I got the whole Dramamine thing figured out, it was really a hoot. Although I'm more of a land lubber, and I like to spend more than a day at a destination, it was a cool experience.

January 20, 2009 at 3:16 AM  
Blogger Lucy Filet said...

We went on a Disney cruise last year and it was pretty awesome. I never even noticed I was on a boat.

I think you could get the same effect though from a really nice resort, but I've never stayed at a really nice resort.

The best thing though by far was that we were already out of country, so my husband would be charged roaming charges, but on top of that there was an extra charge for cell phone use. My husband refused to pay to do work and therefore actually turned off his blackberry for the entire cruise.

January 20, 2009 at 5:40 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

Amber I have a house in Grenada. I have far too much respect for Marinka to start anything here, but when I find you alone in Comment-World one day, I will explain to you (very nicely) why losers (I mean cruises) go to Grenada.

January 20, 2009 at 6:05 AM  
Blogger The Dental Maven said...

It's like walking on hot coals, you need tons of mental preparation before hand, a bunch of equally stupid people watch you do it, you pretend it's not painful, then you brag to your friends that you've done it.

January 20, 2009 at 7:05 AM  
Blogger ShallowGal said...

Yes, Marinka, a cruise is *exactly* like riding on the subway. You nailed it.

xoxo, SG

January 20, 2009 at 7:12 AM  
Blogger Marinka said...

Kylie--OMG, a Disney cruise. What's next, a root canal cruise? (although I love that your husband was blackberryless!)

January 20, 2009 at 7:22 AM  
Blogger jmt said...

I used to think I wanted to go on a cruise, but the excitement has certainly worn off for all the reasons you listed. Missing people, sick travellers, pirates. Although meeting a pirate might be kind of exciting....?

January 20, 2009 at 7:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The arguement I've heard is that it's like being at a hotel, only it's on water. To which I say, just go to a hotel, at least then you could leave the hotel and find other stuff to do if you wanted.

January 20, 2009 at 8:28 AM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

I don't think you are allowed to truly understand the appeal of a cruise until your 50th birthday. It's like AARP.

January 20, 2009 at 8:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't have the patience to read all 51 previous comments, so maybe somebody has already said this, but a cruise is the only way we found to see much of Alaska without doing a lot of shlepping. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. We got a room with a balcony. I spend many, many hours on our balcony. It's a room with a view, and the view is constantly changing. And the food was good, too.

January 20, 2009 at 8:56 AM  
Blogger Z said...

cruises scare me. if you want a list of things i am terrified of, that is right up there along with snakes crawling up my legs and the weird things i have found left behind in the shower after i let my teenage brother borrow my bathroom years ago...

January 20, 2009 at 9:15 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

We took a cruise to Bermuda last summer and we loved it...but I suppose it isn't for everyone. I think I am just an extraordinarily lazy person who likes to lay around and drink.

January 20, 2009 at 10:02 AM  
Blogger Nicole said...

I have never been on a cruise but I would love to take one someday! When that happens I will let ya know how horrible it was.

January 20, 2009 at 10:29 AM  
Blogger Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

In our somewhat limited travels overseas, my husband and I have determined there are two kinds of American tourists. (1) The tourist who goes to a foreign country and wants to immerse themselves in foreign cultures. And (2) the tourist who goes to a foreign country and expects to see the creature comforts of home (Starbucks, McDonalds and The Gap). It is these tourists in (2) who we figure go on cruises, because they are ensured they will see a bunch of other Americans just like themselves and no one else will be able to infiltrate the ship!

PS - We finally got our New Yorker and indeed there was the champagne page just where you said it would be!

January 20, 2009 at 10:48 AM  
Blogger Everyday Goddess said...

Massive cruise liners, a definite no.
Private yacht, a resounding hell yes!

January 20, 2009 at 11:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't get it either...but I like to really see the place I'm visiting, not just the tourist traps a block from the port.

But @Comedy Goddess raises an excellent point!

January 20, 2009 at 1:32 PM  
Blogger Smores for Breakfast said...

ugh, cruises are the worst! The showers, the pools, the being stuck with annoying tourists, the entertainment, ugh I could go on and on. But the worst, is the food. people just go and eat and eat and then they just don't move. I feel like i'm in the movie Wall-E. IT's so disgusting it makes me stick. I will NEVER go on one.

January 20, 2009 at 2:05 PM  
Blogger Nicole said...

I forgot to mention that I have an award for you!!!

January 20, 2009 at 3:18 PM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

4) you got kidnapped and put in your worst nightmare?

January 20, 2009 at 5:12 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

ever since I saw the Poseidon Adventure, I have never been willing to step on a ship.

January 20, 2009 at 5:28 PM  
Blogger Kari said...

So nice to see I'm not alone. You couldn't pay me to go on a cruise. Not that you would pay me, unless you got really sick of my comments and decided to pay me to go on some kind of no internet cruise, just to get rid of me or something.

January 20, 2009 at 5:43 PM  
Blogger Maura said...

Frankly, I don't want you to go on a cruise. Leaves more cruisey goodness for me.

I like them. I don't generally get seasick and I've had a good time when I've gone on them. They're not perfect, but few vacations are. It's a more relaxing way to travel than by plane or by car, and I love being out on the water.

But hey, if you want to let your fears keep you from the Lido deck, so be it. I'll send you a postcard next time.

January 20, 2009 at 7:58 PM  
Blogger Pamela said...

We went on a cruise for our honeymoon 20 years ago. I HAAAAATED IT. Never a wise thing to say to my parents since they financed the whole thing, but just this last Christmas they started saying we ALL should go on a cruise and I just had to shut that bitch down.(the IDEA of a cruise. My mom's not relly a bitch. Much.)

January 21, 2009 at 1:44 AM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

i've been on two (i paid for neither and enjoyed neither).

People go to eat. Endlessly.

January 21, 2009 at 1:46 PM  
Blogger Maddness of Me said...

I can't tell you why because I totally agree with you. It looks like a floating work release jail to me.

And this "statistically speaking" crap always makes me laugh... because statistically speaking, if I stay off a cruise ship I won't get shoved off the side of a cruise ship.

This whole "international waters so we can't do anything" jazz they come up with when somebody steals your digital camera is enough for me.

January 21, 2009 at 4:09 PM  
Blogger Brenda said...

I hardly ever meet anyone who is willing to say that outloud. Good for you. Tell me please, that you also hate Crocks!

My husbands family repeatedly tries to get us to go on "family" cruises. Why would I want to spend 7 days trapped in a vessel with people I have WORK to get along with and who think its rude when I read a book in their presence? (because they are all SO interesting I shouldn't need other entertainment).

So far I have dodged several cruises and I think I will be ill if we ever commit to one.

Found you over at Braja's.

January 25, 2009 at 2:13 PM  

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